Anger and rage or … 60#M

I am still thinking what was  happening  in that week of sailing from Florida to Cuba in bad conditions. And, if anger and rage did bring me to have accident.  It was so hard, that I was thinking: “I do not want this!” But then again during the last day and in the evening before the accident I did recuperated my peace and fate. The wind did change enough so i might go parallel to Cuban coast. I was calculating:” Fine, now is fine”. “And if everything goes as it is, i will get there in the morning”. After that i had to fight  little more, because wind was becoming stronger  and soon so strong that auto pilot was at limits of beaning capable to keep Tereza  in course. Actually i did had to set direction 20 degrees more nord to keep me on desired course. I was tired i could not stand any more so i went for sleep. For one hour. I was thinking. “I am almost there. What if something happens now? No, nothing can go wrong. I can not have so bad luck. Just now when i am on the end. And i do not care, if it has to happen. If I destroy Tereza. I do not care. I do not care if I get killed. I can not sand this any more.But it can not happen. And it will not happen.” So i felt asleep. After one hour then i went back on deck. I was going faster and notice that wind was dragging me toward the land-reef. I did had that reef on my Garmin GPS. And I did notice also that with that speed I will be there much sooner , probably around 3 o’clock in the morning.  Then I did adjust course little more again. And wait to pas that reef. Then i went to rest again for one hour. After that i was ready to approach the land. And i did my calculations to go direction between one island and land, and to anchor there in between. It was  around 2,5NM between island and land. It was around 4NM to that point.I did  start the engine to take main sail down and i was then going with stay sail and i did shut the engine down. Then after  15 min circa or even les, i made the fatal mistake, i did turn direction to building lights. But I can not remember why.  The determinant  mistake was to go directly into the lights. If I would go direction between island and land I would pass that last little  reef, which was not on Garmin GPS. Why?  Why I did forget about my decision to go between island and land. And change the course to went to the lights.  I remember pressing on autopilot: +1 degrees,  +1 degrees,  +1 degrees….  until I was going into the light. But I can not say why. Is it possible that I felt asleep on my legs?

 

I am sorry to cut this out and to expose it again:

“And i do not care, if it has to happen. If I destroy Tereza. I do not care. I do not care if I get killed. I can not stand this any more.”

It is not the end, but it’s a new beginning.

 

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