I am doing what has to be done before leaving the boat.
Tomorrow I am going to Guatemala city to catch airplane to Canada . I am visiting my friends there before returning to Slovenia. I think I will write some probably in next days or maybe not. But once I will left Tereza writing becomes senseless. You will have to wait for me, to come back, before winter, to be free on blue water again. I will say thank you now, to all of you that did registered and made comments. It was great adventure , and for me you were a part of it too.
I am still thinking what was happening in that week of sailing from Florida to Cuba in bad conditions. And, if anger and rage did bring me to have accident. It was so hard, that I was thinking: “I do not want this!” But then again during the last day and in the evening before the accident I did recuperated my peace and fate. The wind did change enough so i might go parallel to Cuban coast. I was calculating:” Fine, now is fine”. “And if everything goes as it is, i will get there in the morning”. After that i had to fight little more, because wind was becoming stronger and soon so strong that auto pilot was at limits of beaning capable to keep Tereza in course. Actually i did had to set direction 20 degrees more nord to keep me on desired course. I was tired i could not stand any more so i went for sleep. For one hour. I was thinking. “I am almost there. What if something happens now? No, nothing can go wrong. I can not have so bad luck. Just now when i am on the end. And i do not care, if it has to happen. If I destroy Tereza. I do not care. I do not care if I get killed. I can not sand this any more.But it can not happen. And it will not happen.” So i felt asleep. After one hour then i went back on deck. I was going faster and notice that wind was dragging me toward the land-reef. I did had that reef on my Garmin GPS. And I did notice also that with that speed I will be there much sooner , probably around 3 o’clock in the morning. Then I did adjust course little more again. And wait to pas that reef. Then i went to rest again for one hour. After that i was ready to approach the land. And i did my calculations to go direction between one island and land, and to anchor there in between. It was around 2,5NM between island and land. It was around 4NM to that point.I did start the engine to take main sail down and i was then going with stay sail and i did shut the engine down. Then after 15 min circa or even les, i made the fatal mistake, i did turn direction to building lights. But I can not remember why. The determinant mistake was to go directly into the lights. If I would go direction between island and land I would pass that last little reef, which was not on Garmin GPS. Why? Why I did forget about my decision to go between island and land. And change the course to went to the lights. I remember pressing on autopilot: +1 degrees, +1 degrees, +1 degrees…. until I was going into the light. But I can not say why. Is it possible that I felt asleep on my legs?
I am sorry to cut this out and to expose it again:
“And i do not care, if it has to happen. If I destroy Tereza. I do not care. I do not care if I get killed. I can not stand this any more.”
(this blog is challenge for my English and also process of thinking. Probably I will need more time to finish it)
it’s that I want to speak about it now, but who cares. It looks that I am speaking only with myself. I can not get anyone to react. Am I living in world which none wants to join? Anyway. I will speak for myself. Still do not think that there is no responsibility in it. Wrong. There is great responsibility when I speak with myself. Why? Because I like me. I love me.
But before instinct let’s speak about signs in life. Signs which are telling as, that we must do something in one way and not in other. Do you see this signs? And do you act as signs are telling you to act? Or just go, as you think that is the way you should go? When you are living “normal” life, it’s difficult to see this signs, but when you are going in other dimension, as sailing is, then everything is stinging in eyes and punches on the head. So only if you are stupid or creasy, or both together you persist on your way. As me. As I did, and then as obvious, I did hit the reef. Two days I had a wind and waves going opposite to my direction. And the third day, I did lost my dinghy, and also I did got totally wrong coordinates for the marina I did want to go. The translator for port captain, who did not care about, did switch the tickets. When I did enter coordinates in my GPS, my actual position did come out. Next morning I was calling , but no one did answer. Then I did not know exactly where I had to go. So why I was insisting? I am not trying to apologize my mistake, but to explain that everything was telling me that I am must change. But I did not want to listen.
Because I did live in illusion, that if I want something, I need to fight to get it. And if I have to fight more, then I must fight more. It is like wanting to get through wall. Digging hole into the wall with fingers and then to get wall to fall down on you. That I was in. But it was because of illusion that life is hard. That i must fight. But is opposite. Life is very easy, if you adapt. You know about the evolution in nature. It is the universal law. And I was so stupid for 40 years of doing, as they were telling me I should, that I am blind. But maybe I am not blind anymore now.
And now let’s try about instinct again.
The rope which I did use to drag dinghy did broke. Normally when I am sailing I am not looking back. Why? Good question. I was maybe taking a look backward maybe 3 times at hour. Or maybe 3 times at day. Yes, is so obvious, you can not aspect any danger from behind. Yes, that’s the way of thinking when you do not have experience. Anyway, the question is, why did I turn around just 20 meters (60 feet) after rope did broke. Is this instinct?
At that time. It was at the beginning. It will remain enigma for some time more probably. Or maybe I will solve it now while writing. I do not know. But I can tell now, that my senses are much sharper. I can notice different sound from usual very soon. And I can be looking around and see details all the time. And if I have the feeling, if something is bothering me, I can stay and wait for hour to get out the answer. It is alarm for me, as bells are ringing. I am then turning ears all around and looking until I do not get something. Anything. It can be, flying fish, or a bird, boat on horizon, land, dolphins, plastic bag, stocked filter (a little bit of sarcasm). Or it is just sense of guilt which, starts some chemistry in my body, after I notice that I am day dreaming. Anyway, I do not care at that moment what did trigger the feeling. I just wait, until I do not get any input different from before. and then I am ok. I low down my guard and relax.
And to conclude about plans and fighting to reach the goal. I remember that when I was trying to catch my dinghy from Tereza, I had also to go in opposite direction. And it was so easy to sail in that way, that I did ask myself. Maybe I must go in that way. Maybe I have to get to Panama by Mexico and not by Jamaica. Especially after losing of dinghy, and after wrong coordinates. Oh Yes, how could i forget. I did have Sooty tern (link ) coming from west and flying on west side of boat for awhile, in time when I was considering to turn direction west. And still I did decide to stay on taht way. And I was wondering, will it be a mistake. Yes, now I see. And when they did drag me next day after hitting the reef to marina, remember my steering cylinder was bent and my engine was not running, i did met some people on 25 meters big still boat. I remember the name, it was Poseidon. And I will say hello to them now. So, they were going west. I could go with them, but I did not get spare part for my cylinder yet at that time. They could tide Tereza to their boat in case Tereza could no float any more and bring me. And then Roland on Shirley did come and they were also going west. And I could go with them direction west. And so on the end I went west..
I am hating me now to write so much. Did you have patience to read all to here. Okay, then it was not only for me. (sorry for grammar mistakes and let me know about mistakes, and if there is anything not understandable)
how is the feeling on ocean. It is hard to explain it in general. It is almost as hard as to explain universe. For one which does not know the answer. But I can tell about fragments. I remember one moment when I was seeing the beauty. Lets talk about it now as first. It is simple. At some point, from nothing I did the focus on water. And I did notice the color. Blue and clean, transparent. Details moving in system. Order. Then more colors all the way to the horizon, and over it the sky. With great clouds. Many different clouds. Then there was bit of waves as music, listening to the music. No other thoughts but just sense. And then revelation:” It is beautiful for real.” And: ” I am seeing it with my eyes.” That was revelation that did bring me joy.
And bad moments. There were also many of them. “Why, do I have to leave now with this bad weather?”, “Why the wind is blowing directly in my face”. “What ?” , “Why also waves have to go directly in my direction.” “Why I did have to broke this.” , and “Why am I so sleepy?”, “Are this pills so strong?”, “What, why the diesel filter is again stuck?”, “Will I have to go again on anchor and they will not let me on land?”, “Oh, no why the custom guy has had to exchange my actual coordinates with coordinates of marina.” . “Oh no, the rope did broke and I did lost my dinghy”, “how long more I will have to turn Tereza around to get him back”,” O no I did broke the engine starting key with my leg while pulling out genova”,”Okay lets try to start the engine with screwdriver”,”ok I can push screwdriver enough deep to rotate broken key and start the engine.”, “It should be okay, “I am just one day of sailing away”,”but I can not stand it any more!”, “Fuck, fuck… FUCK!”. “Why the hell I did come here. Why did I come here…..?”
And then I did hit the reef that night. ….watching sharp reefs pointing out of water. Just one meter away from Tereza laying on side. Asking, will we move in that direction with next wave. … Minutes , more minutes, new strike, all falling around, another cracking sound. And so on and on. “Guardia costiera de Cuba, Tereza is sinking”.”Capitania the Cayo guillermo, Tereza is caling for help.”
Silence. And …..
“Do it have to end in this way? Yes, it looks like that. Why? I do not know. And it does not meater.”
” What should I bring with me, if I will have to swim?” , “… And… would it not be better if I die together with Tereza”.
“Passport, money, and… olfa knife is very sharp”, “It is very sharp.”, “It can help…”,” or should I fight?”, “But why should I fight, if Tereza is going down?”
And then I have begun to though about may dears. One by one faces were coming up. “What will they say if I die? Will I disappoint them?”
“No, I can not die”, “I will not die”,”I will not let me day”
I was looking how waves were dragging me over. Another 10 meters, and again,..Bom.. Bum… And then after two hours they begun to lose strength, getting over the reef. And with tide going up Tereza did finally begun to float. And after minute of hesitation I did pull up stay sail when Tereza was standing up floating ,and went away.
In that moment I did feel euphoric. I can not remember exactly what I was thinking. But I can remember chemistry of happiness running in my blood.
I was not afraid. I remember how I was being surprised to be so calm.
What to say now. I do not know. I think it is okay to share it. It is life. Nothing bad in it. Life.
as euro is. Maybe it is time to do something new. I am again deep in programming (click on picture:”Get in control “at the right of this blog). It is today that i am again at point after 3 days of frustrations, that my head is hurting as i would have aluminum paper around my brain. And it is not important what i am actually doing.I will talk more about fighting to survive. But again i do not know what to write about it, because i am totally burnt. That’s why i will leave it for some another day.
I will jump to this morning experience on flea market. I did sold my wind generator, which i did pay 330$. I did got 100$. I did sold it without regulator. I did burnt it at Isla mujeras when i was trying to measure current, together with one guy, who was buying it from me at that time. After that i went to town for food. For 5$ i can live all day. Today i did bought also cockroaches trap for another 8$. I did had enough yesterday of it. When i did come to Tereza at evening, i did turn light on and i could see two of them on table. One was big as half of my smallest finger. So: war to cockroaches.
And i was then surprised from some kind of parade going on main road. I will attach picture letter . I am charring camera battery now. Guatemala, has a lot to give to an tourist. Vulcan mountains with great landscapes, jungle and Mayan culture. But at this moment it is as far from me as it is from you. No money no funny. And do not think that i am writing now because i am praying for money. I am writing as it is. But things change. Everything changes. And when we want to get somewhere, we have to be flexible and choose from life, and use what life gives as to get there.
Okay. It is enough for today.
And sorry for the picture. My battery did died, after couple of seconds of filming. After restarting i did have power just for one photo. It was a great event. So better little of it, that nothing.
Here is statistic from yesterday for unique users (how many different people was on). Tell around about me. Make me happy by making my blog become bigger, so I might little forget about homesickness. Let Free on blue water live. Become member of it. Make comments. Let’s have fun.
I was thinking that I will be okay with a lot of great people, but there were only a few which, I did meet on this trip and I could give them buck love. I am missing my old friends. I was thinking that I do not need anybody. But now I am, where I am. Life goes on. And also Rome was not built in a day.
I did this video for Julia. She is a founder member of Pass It On. That is a voluntary group formed to help local communities with items like used solar panels and batteries donated by the international cruising boat community here in the Rio Dulce in Guatemala.
of road to get to small village somewhere in Guatemalans hills. We went there to install solar panel with battery into medicinal center. It was interesting, but now I am to tired to write about it. Tomorrow…. And by the way Tereza has now permit to stay here until march 2016.
(I am still working on this post, sorry, I am having a brake now, I am programing changes for my software: take look on the top of the widgets, and I did woke up at 4:30 this morning for video editing of yesterday event. And then I am not eating much: only bananas, I have I kind of cleaning process,… but I am here,…, praying for the best)
I am uploading the video. Check for it again tomorrow, please.