I will try to explain 58#M

how is the feeling on ocean. It is hard to explain it in general. It is almost as hard as to explain universe. For one which does not know the answer. But I can tell about fragments. I  remember one moment when I was seeing the beauty. Lets talk about it now as first. It is simple. At some point, from nothing I did the focus on water. And I did notice the color. Blue and clean, transparent. Details moving in system. Order. Then more colors all the way to the horizon, and over it the sky.  With great clouds. Many different clouds. Then there was bit of waves as music, listening to the music. No other thoughts but just sense. And then revelation:” It is beautiful for real.” And: ” I am seeing it with my eyes.”  That was revelation that did bring me joy.

And bad moments. There were also many of them. “Why, do I have to leave now with this bad weather?”, “Why the wind is blowing directly in my face”. “What ?” , “Why also waves have to go directly in my direction.” “Why I did have to broke this.” , and “Why am I so sleepy?”, “Are this pills so strong?”, “What, why the diesel filter is again stuck?”, “Will I have to go again on anchor and they will not let me on land?”, “Oh, no why the custom guy has had to exchange my actual coordinates with coordinates of marina.” . “Oh no, the rope did broke and I did lost my dinghy”, “how long more I will have to turn Tereza around to get him back”,” O no I did broke the engine starting key with my leg while pulling out genova”,”Okay lets try to start the engine with screwdriver”,”ok I can push screwdriver enough deep to rotate broken key and start the engine.”, “It should be okay, “I am just one day of sailing away”,”but I can not stand it any more!”, “Fuck, fuck… FUCK!”. “Why the hell I did come here. Why did I come here…..?”

And then I did hit the reef that night. ….watching sharp reefs pointing out of water. Just one meter away from Tereza laying on side. Asking, will we move in that direction with next wave. … Minutes , more minutes, new strike, all falling around, another cracking sound. And so on and on. “Guardia costiera de Cuba, Tereza is sinking”.”Capitania the Cayo guillermo, Tereza is caling for help.”

Silence. And …..

“Do it have to end in this way? Yes, it looks like that. Why? I do not know. And it does not meater.”

” What should I bring with me, if I will have to swim?”  , “… And… would it not be better if I die together with Tereza”.

“Passport, money, and… olfa knife is very sharp”, “It is very sharp.”, “It can help…”,” or should I fight?”, “But why should I fight, if Tereza is going down?”

And then I have begun to though about may dears. One by one faces were coming up. “What will they say if I die? Will I disappoint them?”

“No, I can not die”, “I will not die”,”I will not let me day”

I was looking how waves were dragging me over. Another 10 meters, and again,..Bom.. Bum… And then after two hours they begun to lose strength, getting over the reef. And with tide going up Tereza did finally begun to float. And after minute of hesitation I did pull up stay sail when Tereza was standing up floating ,and went away.

In that moment I did feel euphoric. I can not remember  exactly what I was thinking. But I can remember chemistry of happiness running in my blood.

I was not afraid. I remember how I was  being surprised to be so calm.

What to say now. I do not know. I think it is okay to share it. It is life. Nothing bad in it. Life.


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