(this blog is challenge for my English and also process of thinking. Probably I will need more time to finish it)
it’s that I want to speak about it now, but who cares. It looks that I am speaking only with myself. I can not get anyone to react. Am I living in world which none wants to join? Anyway. I will speak for myself. Still do not think that there is no responsibility in it. Wrong. There is great responsibility when I speak with myself. Why? Because I like me. I love me.
But before instinct let’s speak about signs in life. Signs which are telling as, that we must do something in one way and not in other. Do you see this signs? And do you act as signs are telling you to act? Or just go, as you think that is the way you should go? When you are living “normal” life, it’s difficult to see this signs, but when you are going in other dimension, as sailing is, then everything is stinging in eyes and punches on the head. So only if you are stupid or creasy, or both together you persist on your way. As me. As I did, and then as obvious, I did hit the reef. Two days I had a wind and waves going opposite to my direction. And the third day, I did lost my dinghy, and also I did got totally wrong coordinates for the marina I did want to go. The translator for port captain, who did not care about, did switch the tickets. When I did enter coordinates in my GPS, my actual position did come out. Next morning I was calling , but no one did answer. Then I did not know exactly where I had to go. So why I was insisting? I am not trying to apologize my mistake, but to explain that everything was telling me that I am must change. But I did not want to listen.
Because I did live in illusion, that if I want something, I need to fight to get it. And if I have to fight more, then I must fight more. It is like wanting to get through wall. Digging hole into the wall with fingers and then to get wall to fall down on you. That I was in. But it was because of illusion that life is hard. That i must fight. But is opposite. Life is very easy, if you adapt. You know about the evolution in nature. It is the universal law. And I was so stupid for 40 years of doing, as they were telling me I should, that I am blind. But maybe I am not blind anymore now.
And now let’s try about instinct again.
The rope which I did use to drag dinghy did broke. Normally when I am sailing I am not looking back. Why? Good question. I was maybe taking a look backward maybe 3 times at hour. Or maybe 3 times at day. Yes, is so obvious, you can not aspect any danger from behind. Yes, that’s the way of thinking when you do not have experience. Anyway, the question is, why did I turn around just 20 meters (60 feet) after rope did broke. Is this instinct?
At that time. It was at the beginning. It will remain enigma for some time more probably. Or maybe I will solve it now while writing. I do not know. But I can tell now, that my senses are much sharper. I can notice different sound from usual very soon. And I can be looking around and see details all the time. And if I have the feeling, if something is bothering me, I can stay and wait for hour to get out the answer. It is alarm for me, as bells are ringing. I am then turning ears all around and looking until I do not get something. Anything. It can be, flying fish, or a bird, boat on horizon, land, dolphins, plastic bag, stocked filter (a little bit of sarcasm). Or it is just sense of guilt which, starts some chemistry in my body, after I notice that I am day dreaming. Anyway, I do not care at that moment what did trigger the feeling. I just wait, until I do not get any input different from before. and then I am ok. I low down my guard and relax.
And to conclude about plans and fighting to reach the goal. I remember that when I was trying to catch my dinghy from Tereza, I had also to go in opposite direction. And it was so easy to sail in that way, that I did ask myself. Maybe I must go in that way. Maybe I have to get to Panama by Mexico and not by Jamaica. Especially after losing of dinghy, and after wrong coordinates. Oh Yes, how could i forget. I did have Sooty tern (link ) coming from west and flying on west side of boat for awhile, in time when I was considering to turn direction west. And still I did decide to stay on taht way. And I was wondering, will it be a mistake. Yes, now I see. And when they did drag me next day after hitting the reef to marina, remember my steering cylinder was bent and my engine was not running, i did met some people on 25 meters big still boat. I remember the name, it was Poseidon. And I will say hello to them now. So, they were going west. I could go with them, but I did not get spare part for my cylinder yet at that time. They could tide Tereza to their boat in case Tereza could no float any more and bring me. And then Roland on Shirley did come and they were also going west. And I could go with them direction west. And so on the end I went west..
I am hating me now to write so much. Did you have patience to read all to here. Okay, then it was not only for me. (sorry for grammar mistakes and let me know about mistakes, and if there is anything not understandable)